Nov 13th, 2020
Are you holding yourself back with self-doubt and an unhealthy dialogue, or are you your own best cheerleader who inspires you to move forward and get the things that you want out of life? Hi, this is Grant Herbert, Emotional Intelligence Speaker and Trainer of the Year and Sustainable Performance Coach, and today, I want to continue our conversation around shifting your identity by helping you to eliminate your false beliefs.
Most of us get around on a daily basis ruminating on our past failures, focusing on the things that we got wrong and where we didn't achieve what we wanted to achieve. We believe false evidence from our experiences and what other people have said because that's comfortable and keeps us safe and stops us from moving forward in the uncharted waters. We listen to our small voice that reminds us all of our shortcomings and we listen to our critics. And to make this shift and have one of these that you want to have beyond this time right now, we need to be able to shift to do things differently.
We need to reflect on our past wins and on the things that have taught us, the lessons to get us to where we are right now. We need to challenge those false beliefs and those assumptions and look for real evidence. And we need to let our big voice, that confident inner dialogue take us forward into the new success and the new adventures that are out in front of us. For many years, I just got around focusing on what didn't work, focusing on the reasons why I couldn't move forward. I'd see people who were successful and I'd feel happy for them. However, I would compare myself to them and go, "Yeah, I can see how they can do it, but me? I certainly couldn't do that because of these reasons."
I would carry around a list, metaphorically, that I could pull out at any time and give you hundreds of reasons why it wouldn't work for me. And the reason was is that I had developed a conditioned mind with false beliefs, with limiting beliefs that I could bring up at a moment and help me to stay safe and not move into things outside my comfort zone. And then one day, I'd had enough and I thought it's time to move past these things. I don't know about you, whether you've had those defining moments in your life and I've had them, and I've let them slide, and thankfully this time there was enough pain in my life and enough reason to move forward that I got myself a coach and I worked through my roadblocks and what was holding me back. And what I want to do today is just unpack three things that I worked on and that I now get the privilege to work on with many people all around the world to shift their mindset and behaviour so that they can become who they need to be and move forward into the life that they want to create.
Number one is forward-focused reflection. When you visit the past, the key word there is visit. I know the past can be a comfortable place sometimes because we go back into the past and there's times where it was simpler and things with this and things with that. However, there's also times where you got evidence of your beliefs, where you had an experience that you put a meaning on about yourself. And when we go back into the past, if we stay there too long and we ruminate on those things, it's a negative exercise. But, it's a great thing to go back in the past so long as we do it with forward-focused thinking. It's like when we drive our car, we've got a big wind screen in front of us and we've got a little mirror up here that we look up at every now and then to see what's going on. And then we go back to looking forward because if we don't look forward, we can't see where we're going. And if we can't see where we going, we're not going to get there.
So, it's the same when you reflect on the past. It's a quick look in the mirror to go, "Hey, what went well? What did I win at? Where can I gather some evidence that will help you to move forward? And where can I gather some lessons that I can take with me so that I do different things moving forward and therefore get to where I want to go without all the stress and conflict and whatever it is for you?" So, the first thing is to learn to do forward-focused reflection.
Number two is to look for real evidence, evidence that says I can, rather than I can't. We've all seen a lawyer in the courtroom in our favourite TV show and they're presenting evidence to the jury and the judge is there and the opposing counsel's there and it's all dramatic and it's all good fun. However, whenever there is doubt about the evidence, the other side will object and appeal to the judge to have that evidence thrown out because it's just hearsay or it's circumstantial. And that's normally the evidence that we pick up, things that people have said third-hand, circumstances, experiences that we've had that we've put a meaning on. And that is all the evidence that we have to present a case to ourself of our worth.
So, number two is to look for real evidence and to do that, we need to be able to logically process that in the prefrontal cortex, not in the emotional brain. In the work that I do with Emotional Intelligence, it helps you to be able to do that and to debunk the false evidence, to object to it and go, "No, that's not true. Just because someone said it about me doesn't mean I have to make it my truth. Just because I didn't get it right once doesn't mean that I'm not able to get it right next time." So, number two is look for real evidence, not for hearsay or circumstantial evidence.
And number three is to retrain that inner dialogue, that mini-me. You've trained that inner dialogue. You've trained that small voice that's inside you, that gets in your ear and lets you know when you're going to take you outside your comfort zone, when you're going to do things that are against those false beliefs that you have, those limiting beliefs. You might decide to get up on stage and talk in front of 10,000 people, even though you fear doing that because of what you think people are going to think about you and you go, "No, I'm going to do it." Let me tell you, if that happens, your small voice, your mini-me will get your attention because you've programmed it to stop you from doing things that are going to lead you to harm.
It's like my little grandson. If he would have turned up here right now and say my name, "Grandpa! Grandpa!", and I was to then ignore him and just keep talking to you, he would get my attention. Why? Because I've taught him from the time he could speak that all he needed to do was say my name and I would drop everything else and give him my attention. And that's exactly what you've done and I've done with our internal dialogue. So, the first thing I would need to do with my grandson is acknowledge him and say, "Hey! Come here, dude. Just hang on a sec. I'm going to finish doing this, and then you and I are going to get ice cream." Now, it's a metaphor. You and I both know that if it doesn't change in 14 seconds and I'm off getting ice cream, he's going to be at me again, but you know what I mean, and it's exactly the same with your inner dialogue.
So as you take that step towards the stage or to do something different and your mini-me screams at you to get your attention, if you show it the hand and keep walking, it's going to get louder and louder until it gets your attention because you've taught it to do that. So, the first thing to do is acknowledge it and say, "Okay, I hear you. I know I taught you that. However, we're about to learn something new. So, watch, listen, and learn with me." So, the great thing about our inner dialogue is that we put it there and that means that we're in control. You are in control of changing it. So, the third thing that I learned to do was to retrain my mini-me.
So, there's just three key things that you can do right now in your own life to be able to shift your mindset and your behaviour so that you can remove that self-doubt, have self-confidence and self-approval, and move forward into whatever it is that you would like to see become your reality.
Well, that's it from me for another week. Join me again next week, as we continue this conversation around shifting our identity and becoming who we need to be so that we can have different results by unpacking a very important conversation around Being Precedes Doing. I'll see you then.